September 28, 2006

  • FOR ALL YOU PARENTS

    Okay parent's insight from a teenager time!


    If your children do sports, or play an instrument, NEVER PUSH THEM TO DO IT TO THE POINT THAT THEY HATE IT! Because up untill very recently, as many of you know, I jumped horses. Well, recently I had a rather bad fall, and injured my back. Well, lemme back up a little further. For the last 4 or so months people have been telling me that I need to lose weight. As some of you may or may not know, I suffer from a serious self esteem issue that makes me sink into a depression to the point that I quit eating, and cry alot, and just stop taking care of myself. Well, these last couple of weeks, ive been skipping meals and not eating because I didn't feel like it. Because people had been telling me to lose weight..ectera..I had begun to feel like a fat old cow...And it just really made me feel like shit..And I felt so bad to the point that I began to throw up what I did eat while I was at home.


    I've stopped throwing up now, I only did it a few times, thank God. Two weeks ago yesterday, I fell off of my horse and had a high chance of a ruptured disk in my lower back. I took off  of riding for a week, and the following Wednesday I was back out at the farm. As I was putting on my boots my Instructor told me that I would no longer be allowed to jump over two feet. This was a devestating blow. She had lost all  confidence in my abilities as a rider. And that hurt the worst of all. I kept a firm chin untill no one was looking, then I ducked into my stall and just started to cry. I clung to George's neck and just cried my eyes out. I couldn't stop. When the tears finally did stem and halt, I ducked into the tack room and washed my face and tried to put on a happy face. I just barely succeded.


    Sunday night, I decided not to show anylonger. I'm not having fun jumping anymore, people are putting way the hell to much pressure on me to be AMAZING at something that it's just not fun. I've lost interest and i'm so upset about it i'm crying while i'm typing it. Everytime someone's mentioned the words HorseShow. I've nearly cried, because i'm not good enough to show anymore. I've become such a fat ugly cow, that I can't even ride well anymore. I'm more miserable now, than I was when I was in trouble at WM. I'm beginning to think mabey I should just selll George, but I just couldn't bare to part with him. After all, he's the only nonjudgemental friend I have left. And I mean, WILL NEVER QUESTION MY REASONING type. He's the only thing in my whole life that makes me feel so happy that I'm alive, and walking. If I didn't have George in my life, I would have falen apart a long time ago. I just don't know quite what to do about all of this. But, I just thought i'd pour my heart out to a captive audience like Xanga. But i've gotta get a nap before I go out to the barn.I'm gone


     


    As always,


    Much love


    Lauren